You might be a one armed guy if...

I know I normally post on Monday, but I will be enjoying a day away from the computer. I hope everyone does the same and takes the time to show respect to the men and women who have fought for our country.

And speaking of American pride...

Porter and I bought a “Blue Collar Comedy Tour” CD (real American comedy) to listen to when we drove out to California. Jeff Foxworthy, a southern comedic genius, was featured on it and told several of his famous “You might be a redneck” jokes. We laughed hysterically (mostly because Porter, being a redneck himself, had done most of those things) and then we decided to make our own version. So, here it is and feel free to read it in a Jeff Foxworthy southern accent:

You might be a one armed guy if….

• the guy wearing a kilt at Wal Mart stares at you like you are the weird one

• the awkward couples at BYU stop mid make-out sesh to stare at you as you walk by

• a guy walks full-force into a wall because he is too busy looking at you instead of where he is going

• the obese man at Pizza Pie Café is more fixated on your missing limb than the insane amount of pizza on his plate

• you catch people taking pictures of you at the grocery store (and then are no doubt uploading them to instagram with the caption “I saw a guy with one arm…crazy!”)

• your little cousin looks in your empty sleeve convinced that you are just hiding your arm

• the guys at open gym take it easy on you at first…until you hit five threes in a row right in their face

• you have to buy a tux instead of rent one for your wedding because they don’t do sleeve removal alterations

• grown men stick out their right hand to shake yours, but then realize you don’t have one so they go into panic mode and awkwardly hug you instead.

And last but not least….

• If a middle-aged woman is shocked by the fact that you can ride a bike FORWARD…you might be a one armed guy.

The best part about all of these is that they all happened in real life and I don’t even have to put them context for them to be hilarious.

Have a happy weekend. Until next time,

Carlie

I know you...what happened again?

I like to mess with people sometimes. I admit that I find joy in making people squirm a little. I guess I find it so funny because I was never uncomfortable around Porter. I straight up asked him how he lost his arm like .5 seconds into our first conversation. I have noticed though, that others do not like to ask Porter what his story is…so they ask me. I usually tell them what happened, but sometimes it has been a long day and I need a laugh. When they do ask Porter, he tells them epic stories. Here are our favorite “what happened” stories.

My favorite: The sensitive reporter

I work for the BYU newspaper as an editor. I like working with reporters and they usually suck up to you a little bit because they want a good grade. One afternoon, I had a reporter working on an article when a conversation struck up.

Reporter: “I saw you with your husband walking on campus yesterday.”

Me: “Oh really? Cool.” (Like what the heck am I supposed to say after that? “Oh yeah, I didn’t see you, sorry about that one.”)

Reporter: “Yeah and I remember you saying he had one arm, but I thought he looked normal.”

Homegirl, say whaaaa? “Normal?” What does that even mean? Once again my wit failed me and I didn’t really have a clever response.

Me: “Umm, thanks.” (Yep, that was the best I could come up with. At this point, I’m hoping the conversation is over, because I really don’t like it when people describe Porter as “normal.” He’s not normal, he’s awesome. Calling him normal is not a compliment; it’s an insult because he’s better than that.)

Reporter: “I think it is pretty cool how he can do so much with just one arm. How did he lose it again?”

Bingo. Just the question I wanted. It’s pay back time.

Me (queue sad face and diverted eyes): “Oh, we don’t really like to talk about it.”

Reporter: “I’m so sorry, I wasn’t trying to be insensitive. I really hope I didn’t offend you. I should have never asked! That’s probably really personal. I’m seriously so, so sorry.”

Lies. We talk/joke about it all the time. I just like to get a rise out of people to be honest. Don’t worry; I didn’t let the reporter suffer…for that long.

Porter’s favorite: The MTC

(Porter teaching at the MTC)

Porter just finished teaching at the MTC. He worked there forever. And by forever, I mean three years…same thing. Anyways, he taught a lot of missionaries Spanish during that time and with each district he would inevitably be asked, “what happened to your arm?” There are millions of stories, but this one was my favorite.

I didn’t know this, but if you have a tattoo as a missionary, you are supposed to cover it up. Whether that means always wearing long sleeve shirts or long pants/skirts, it is supposed to be covered.

Porter was teaching a district when one missionary was brave enough to ask the big kahuna.

Missionary: “So, what happened to your arm?”

Porter: “Well, I had a sleeve before the mission. I didn’t want to get all the tattoos removed and it was just cheaper to have my whole arm cut off.”

Missionary: “Oh wow, that’s pretty intense.”

Gotta love those missionaries. They are just so innocent.

 Lastly, we love it when people “recognize” Porter. Mostly because they don’t know how to phrase it when they see him. What they say is “Do I know you from                ? But usually they mean, “oh yeah I remember you because you’re missing a limb.”

This story happened when we were checking in for a game: Co-Ed Softball

Porter and I play co-ed intramurals. When you play BYU intramurals, you have to check in with one of the officials. We got to the field and walked up to the young lady we were supposed to check in with. She takes Porter’s student ID card and then looks him up and down.

Intramural girl: “Are you from Wayne County?”

Porter: “Yeah, I am. Are you from southern Utah too?”

Intramural girl: “No I just recognized your…. (Long pause, she looks at his missing arm and starts to panic inside)…. (Still pausing)…. I recognized your…. face.

His face? Really? I mean, I know he is handsome and all, but you could have come up with something better than that.

How did you make it look so real?

Tonight, Porter and I are meeting up with our friends we have had since our days at Lib Square. My girl Sadee sent me this picture from Halloween to get us excited about tonight and it sent me down memory lane. As a result, a precious little gem of a story re-surfaced.

One Halloween, Porter and I decided it would be funny to go to a church party as Ammon and a Lamanite. For my friends who may not be familiar with the Book of Mormon, Ammon was a missionary that went to a group of people known as the “Lamanites.” He became a servant to the Lamanite King and protected the King’s flocks. One day, robbers came and attacked Ammon. All the other servants fled, but Ammon stayed and was able to protect himself by cutting off the arms of the robbers.

(Missionary moment: Now if that story doesn’t sound EPIC, I don’t know what is. Check out other awesome stories at lds.org)

Back to my story. Porter, having a good sense of humor, thought it would be funny if I was Ammon and he dressed up as a Lamanite robber. We were too cheap to buy two Native American Indian costumes, so we only bought one and split it up. They weren't awesome costumes, but it got the point across and everyone thought it was hilarious.

And by everyone, I am including my Bishop.  When we walked in to the party, people laughed and told us how awesome it was that we would dress like that. Then Bishop decided to come compliment us.

We were sitting at a table eating the dinner they had provided when my Bishop walked up to us.

Bishop: “Wow, you guys look great! This is a great costume idea!”

Me (thinking he was blown away by our sense of humor): “Oh, thanks. We thought our fellow Mormons would appreciate it.”

Bishop: “I just need you to answer one question…how did you make it look so real??”

Me (knowing full well that our costumes weren't exactly up to par): “Make what look so real?”

Bishop: “How did you make it look like he only has one arm? Did you use make-up?”

(Insert awkward silence here)

*Timeout-First of all we were too poor to buy two costumes, how in the world were we going to afford the make-up needed to make this look real? Second, I don’t think make-up can even do that (and if it could, we all know my make-up skills suck.) The only make-up he had was some unrealistic blood we found for a dollar and I applied it as while we were driving to the party. Lastly, how would make-up make an ENTIRE arm disappear? We don’t own an invisibility cloak or a green screen. There aren’t special effects in real life, homeboy. Where were we hiding a limb in the crappy tank top we made five seconds prior to the party?*

I was at a loss for words and didn’t really want to make him feel bad, so Porter took it from there.

Porter: “Well, I actually don’t have it.”

Bishop: “You don’t have an arm?”

My thoughts: “What kind of question is that? Of course he is talking about his arm! Can you not see the scars and clean cut off his shoulder bone?”

Porter: “Yeah, I don’t have my right arm.”

Bishop: “Oh, I was wondering how you made it look so real.”

We didn’t make it “look” real. It is real. Porter then tried to change the subject because things were getting real weird, real quick.

Porter: “Well I like your costume, are you a cat?”

Bishop (dressed in a furry brown costume): “No, I’m a monkey.”

Everyone felt pretty uncomfortable at this point, so Bishop just turned and walked away. It was fantastic. I wish my words could illustrate just how awkward everyone felt.

Me to Porter after Bishop left: “I think he feels kind of bad.”

Porter: “Heck, I feel bad. I called the man a cat when he was supposed to be a monkey. I guess I should have guessed that since his wife is dressed in a banana costume…”

Moral of the story: We get to dress up as awesome characters for Halloween. Next year we are debating between Nemo and Dory (you know, because Nemo has “hurt fin”) or Captain Hook and Peter Pan. Ideas are welcome.

Until next time,

Carlie

(P.S. We are really excited to hang with you people again!)

I Married Harry Potter

I did this blogging thing before, but then life happened, so I stopped. But now, I'm doing it again at the request of a couple of friends.  

I get to laugh everyday because I'm married to a man with one arm. Some would think this not a laughing matter, but they're wrong and have no idea what they are talking about. Having a husband with one arm is the greatest. As far as I'm concerned, normal couples complete with four arms don't have it as good as us because no matter how bad our day gets, something incredibly hilarious always happens. Let me explain.

(My little brother Kirk, pretending to be Porter)

It's not everyday you see someone missing a limb, and when you do, you probably stare. The best part is, most people think they are being sneaky, but actually couldn't be more obvious. Since it is an oddity, people don't know how to handle it and they get real awkward. Like the best kind of awkward. When these awkward things happen, we get to add another awesome story to the books. I then tell these stories to friends, and then they prompted me to share them with my other friends. So, that's what I am going to do.  

Every week I want to write down the best one-arm stories for all to enjoy. I don't think very many people will read it, but I hope it puts a smile on someone's face because Porter and I have been keeping them to ourselves for too long.

(Instead of planking, we are Port-ing...it's the newest rage)

Here is the first:

I actually forgot to tell Porter this one because it happened at church yesterday and then I went straight to a meeting and totally forgot, so it will be new for him too.

I was standing in the hallway at church when this middle-aged woman walked up to me. I had never seen her before (preface: our ward is a little crazy and people move in and out all the time, so it is hard to keep tabs on people.) She approached me and immediately started to ask questions.

Middle-aged woman: "I saw your husband riding a bike yesterday."

Me: "Oh, yeah?  He rides it around pretty much everywhere to save on gas."

Middle-aged woman: "I just don't understand something.  How can he do it with one arm??"

Me: "He pretty much has figured out a way to do everything a two-armed person can do."

Middle-aged woman: "No, I don't think you understand, he was riding a bike with ONE arm. How does he pedal?"

Me (trying not to make her feel dumb): "Well, you use your feet to pedal and he has two of those."

Middle-aged woman (getting a little irritated with me): "I know he has two feet, but he only has one arm.  You can't pedal a bike that only has two wheels with one arm."

Me: "Actually you can pedal a bike with no arms, I used to do it all the time when I was kid."

Middle-aged woman: "Now you are trying to play a joke on me. Maybe you just don't understand what I am asking. I want to know how he rides a bike with one hand. How can he move forward?"

My thoughts at this point: "No crazy lady, I understand your question, it is just a stupid one. I am trying to answer your question as politely as possible."

Me: "Well, when he pedals the bike WITH HIS FEET it moves forward...like magic." (Then I laughed a little to make things less awkward.)

Middle-aged woman: "Oh, of course! I knew he had to know a little magic to be able to ride a bike.  Just like Harry Potter and his broom!"

Real life people, real life. Happens more often than you would guess. I hope I'm not the only one that found her question hilarious.  People these days...they don't even know how a bike functions. If she had asked how he bench presses or something, we could have had a more productive conversation.  

I'm not doing this to make fun of other people. I have learned from Porter not to take life too seriously and laugh at yourself.

Until next time,

Carlie