Monday, September 29, 2014

Condom Controversy

Now that I am a controversial writer, I have decided it's perfectly acceptable to start telling privately humiliating stories on this blog.

I have been dying from the world's worst cold this last week. I can't seem to beat it...and I have tried everything...even apple vinegar (which literally burned my insides).

Despite dying from a terrible cold, I decided to suck it up for my intramural flag football game. I would have to be hospitalized before I would miss one of those.

Before going to the game, I asked Porter to take me to Wal Mart so I could stock up on drugs.

*Disclaimer* If you get weirded out by the word "tampon" like my little brothers, now may be a good time to quit reading. Full disclosure, I'm open about this stuff and things are about to get weird.

Also, if tampons freak you out, it's time to get over it. The reality is mother nature leaves a special little present every month for women to endure for a few days. It's good times.

Back to our tale. Porter and I are at Wal Mart in the pharmacy section. I'm literally picking up every bottle of NyQuil I can find. Then I remembered, I need to get tampons. 

This is actually out of the ordinary because I have a neat little stick stuck in my arm that serves as my birth control. As a result, I have only had a couple of periods over the last two and half years. TMI? I don't care.

So, I have one arm carrying all of my meds, and the other hand is holding a box of tampons. We start to walk out of the pharmacy section, when Porter decides to act like a 12 year old boy and giggle at the condoms on the shelves.

He picks up a box of them and exclaims (quite loudly), "Car, check this one's ribbed!"

Now I have started in on the teenage humor and teased, "Well nothing gets past a trojan!"

We start busting up laughing as we are standing in front of the condom section. Then Porter glances down the aisle.

Busted. We have been caught...with condom in hand.

There is a huge man standing there, staring at us checking out the condoms.

"Oh, hey...." Porter says to this large man.

Embarrassed by the fact that he is holding a condom in his hand and giggling with his wife, Porter tried to diffuse the situation.

"Carlie, this _____ _________, he's on the football team. _____ _______, this is my wife, Carlie."

(Porter works for BYU Football, so he knows all of the players and sees these guys every day in the locker room. Every. Day.)

The football player, trying to be polite, sticks out his hand to shake mine. I reach for his, only to realize I have giant box of tampons in my hand. Now I'm trying to juggle cold and cough medicine with my feminine products in order to shake this guy's hand who just caught me and my husband "shopping" for rubbers.


I started to stutter about how we were just in the pharmacy section to buy medicine...not birth control materials, but it just felt uncomfortable. After I shook his hand, I just turned and walked away leaving Porter to deal with the situation (while still holding those tender little specimen).

Moral of the story: Only stand in front of the condom section when you are ACTUALLY purchasing them. We have never bought one, which made attempting to convince this football player we weren't about to get frisky all the more complicated.

As we walked out, Porter turned to me and said, "You know I have never really been embarrassed before...until just now."

Until next time,


And in honor of this embarrassing story, here is an embarrassing photo (and I only share this for my parent's amusement):

Thursday, September 4, 2014

The Hater Has Returned

Guys, she came back. It's true, she actually returned. I about died laughing when I saw the message in my inbox. 

At first I thought it had to be a mistake. After all, I haven't posted a blasted thing on this blog for weeks.

She must just randomly stalk me every couple of months or so. 

Without further adieu, I present to you my favorite hater and her lovely words of affection:

Carlie, (she spelled my name right!)

I can't even began (I think you used the wrong tense here. Don't worry I will help you..."begin") to describe how upset I was to find that you are still blogging (best believe it). I thought I had made myself perfectly clear in my first email that I do not appreciate your stories (nah, you made yourself clear...I just don't really care). You think it is funny to post my email to your site? (Yes, yes I do) You're (*your) stories are more offensive then (*than) anything I have ever read before. (I take it you don't do much reading or writing, so I'm not too hurt by that) Not only are you're (*your...I know that one is tricky) words offensive, but I recently saw a video you made where you are singing a rap song. I know Porter and he would never listen to that music if you hadn't introduced it to him. (OMG I'M THE WORST) It's sad to watch all of this. (So sad) I'm sure you will end up posting my concerns to your page once again (Yes, yes I will). I sincerly (*Sincerely? Come on, how do you even mess that up? Do you not know what that red squiggly line under misspelled words means?) hope you will reconsider blogging in the future.

Thank you,

Mrs. ________

I could not wait to respond. My thoughts were flowing y'all.

My response:

Dear Mrs. ________

I greatly appreciate your email. I love to hear from people reading my blog. Your email has truly touched me. As per your request, I have decided to reconsider my blogging habits. It appears that I do not do enough of it. I promise to post more frequently. 

I really hope you can see the true purpose of my blog. I do not mean to offend, I simply want to put a smile on my readers' faces. Life is too short and we should spend our time focusing on what brings us happiness. Otherwise, we will end up bitter and spend our days shooting off grammatically incorrect emails to those who are trying to enjoy this life.

With love,

Your favorite blogger, Carlie

For those of you who believe this was a little harsh, let me inform you that she has sent me more than a couple of emails. In her previous attempts to shut down my blog, I have responded with grace.

Also, if you have not seen our "inappropriate" lip sync, I have included it below. You're welcome.