Wednesday, July 17, 2013


Today is Porter's 24th birthday...I know, I know, he's super old. Like really old. He was alive back when they used VHS, dial-up internet, and floppy disks. I guess I was too, but 21 sounds A LOT younger than 24, so I can call him Grandpa Porter from now on.

To commemorate his 24 years of life, here is a list of 24 things I bet you didn't know you could do with one arm.

1. Drive a stick shift
2. Zip up a jacket
3. Butter toast
4. a straight line

5. Shoot a shot gun accurately
6. Push ups
7. Change pipe
8. Bat over .400

9. Cut meat
10. Tie your shoes
11. Type fast on a computer
12. Make killer YouTube vids

13. Pick up more hay bails all at once than the two-armed wife
14. Play golf
15. Open a jar
16. Ride on the tube without falling off

17. Go across monkey bars
18. Drive a motorcycle
19. Tease a sassy sister-in-law

20. Throw sheep. I literally watched him pick one up and throw it back into the corral. And it wasn't a small one.
21. Reel in a fish
22. Play ball


23. Inspire lots of people

24. ....oh, and he can even ride a bike.

Happy Birthday, PJ. I hope you like rockin' your all black J's today at work!

Wednesday, July 10, 2013


I have been a big time slacker lately. But for a good reason…like for this reason….

...and this reason (yes, all three of us girls contributed to the 35 we caught)....


...and definitely for this reason.

I love going home and kickin' it with these lovely people. However, I have found it more and more difficult to come back to Provo after each trip. I wonder if I could convince my parents to let me live in their new lake front home and mooch off of them forever. A girl can dream, right?

Anyways, this post is going to be a little different than those in the past. This isn't going to be about some awkward one arm encounter, rather my inability to "redneckonize" what Porter means when he says weird stuff.

This is what happens when a California girl marries a small town farm boy from southern Utah. We have trouble communicating sometimes. It's not a problem, but I knew it would happen on occasion ever since the time I went to Porter's home ward and a man had this whole long conversation with me where I literally had no idea what he was talking about. I just smiled and nodded. He kept using all of these unfamiliar sayings that I have now deemed Loa-isms (Loa is where Porter is from). I seriously love Loa with all my heart, but sometimes there is a little bit of a language barrier for a California girl like myself.

Like when someone says, "It's colder than a witch's titty caught in a snow drift!"

I have come to learn that this particular phrase means that is a bit chilly outside.

Or, when a young man is trying to compliment you and he says this, "Your eyes look like two sheep turds floating in a bucket of milk."

So. Darn. Romantic.

There are also the ones like, "I'm sweating like a frog crapping golf balls!"

I haven't been able to translate that one yet.

Then, when you ask someone an obvious question you get something like this, "Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?"

A simple "yes" would suffice, but a response like that is simply too comical to pass up.

And my personal favorite that my mother-in-law shared with me is, "If we get divorced, are we still cousins?"

Money. You can translate that one on your own. I think that is my favorite one yet.

Back to my point. Yesterday, I forgot to take the chicken out to thaw for dinner. I text Porter after I had gone to work and asked him if he would take it out for me in between work and classes. He said he would and I totally forgot about it. 

He started texting me later on that day (in my defense, it was like five hours later) about some medication that I am taking to get rid of an infection in my leg. I told him I didn't like the way the medicine was making me feel, to which he replied via text message with, "That is really strange, at least we know it is doing something. The chicken is out."

Boom, I thought I had ran into another Loa-ism. The chicken is out, what does that mean? I sat and pondered it for a second, even Googled it (FYI-don't ever Google that), but I could not figure out what it meant. Was the chicken supposed to be my infection and was on its way out of my leg? I was so lost. Darn California education didn't prepare me with the language translation skills I would need to succeed!

Finally I had to text him back and ask what "the chicken is out" meant. I was ashamed of my lack of redneck knowledge. I was even more humiliated when he text me back.

Porter's response: "It's not a Loa phrase...I took the chicken out to thaw. I was just letting you know."

Just when I thought I was getting a hang of these sayings, I had mistaken a perfect sentence for a Loa-ism. I promise to get better. I will be doubling my dosage of Duck Dynasty so that I can one day be fluent in redneck, because "froggin'" just isn't cutting it.

Until next time,