I like to mess with people sometimes. I admit
that I find joy in making people squirm a little. I guess I find it so funny
because I was never uncomfortable around Porter. I straight up asked him how he
lost his arm like .5 seconds into our first conversation. I have noticed
though, that others do not like to ask Porter what his story is…so they ask me.
I usually tell them what happened, but sometimes it has been a long day
and I need a laugh. When they do ask Porter, he tells them epic stories. Here
are our favorite “what happened” stories.
My favorite: The sensitive reporter
I work for the BYU newspaper as an editor. I
like working with reporters and they usually suck up to you a little bit
because they want a good grade. One afternoon, I had a reporter working on an
article when a conversation struck up.
Reporter: “I saw you with your husband walking
on campus yesterday.”
Me: “Oh really? Cool.” (Like what the heck am I
supposed to say after that? “Oh yeah, I didn’t see you, sorry about that one.”)
Reporter: “Yeah and I remember you saying he
had one arm, but I thought he looked normal.”
Homegirl, say whaaaa? “Normal?” What does that
even mean? Once again my wit failed me and I didn’t really have a clever
response.
Me: “Umm, thanks.” (Yep, that was the best I
could come up with. At this point, I’m hoping the conversation is over, because
I really don’t like it when people describe Porter as “normal.” He’s not
normal, he’s awesome. Calling him normal is not a compliment; it’s an insult
because he’s better than that.)
Reporter: “I think it is pretty cool how he can
do so much with just one arm. How did he lose it again?”
Bingo. Just the question I wanted. It’s pay
back time.
Me (queue sad face and diverted eyes): “Oh, we
don’t really like to talk about it.”
Reporter: “I’m so sorry, I wasn’t trying to be
insensitive. I really hope I didn’t offend you. I should have never asked!
That’s probably really personal. I’m seriously so, so sorry.”
Lies. We talk/joke about it all the time. I
just like to get a rise out of people to be honest. Don’t worry; I didn’t let
the reporter suffer…for that long.
Porter’s favorite: The MTC
(Porter teaching at the MTC)
Porter just finished teaching at the MTC. He
worked there forever. And by forever, I mean three years…same thing. Anyways,
he taught a lot of missionaries Spanish during that time and with each district
he would inevitably be asked, “what happened to your arm?” There are millions
of stories, but this one was my favorite.
I didn’t know this, but if you have a tattoo as
a missionary, you are supposed to cover it up. Whether that means always
wearing long sleeve shirts or long pants/skirts, it is supposed to be covered.
Porter was teaching a district when one
missionary was brave enough to ask the big kahuna.
Missionary: “So, what happened to your arm?”
Porter: “Well, I had a sleeve before the
mission. I didn’t want to get all the tattoos removed and it was just cheaper
to have my whole arm cut off.”
Missionary: “Oh wow, that’s pretty intense.”
Gotta love those missionaries. They are just so
innocent.
This story happened when we were checking in
for a game: Co-Ed Softball
Porter and I play co-ed intramurals. When you
play BYU intramurals, you have to check in with one of the officials. We got to
the field and walked up to the young lady we were supposed to check in with.
She takes Porter’s student ID card and then looks him up and down.
Intramural girl: “Are you from Wayne County?”
Porter: “Yeah, I am. Are you from southern Utah
too?”
Intramural girl: “No I just recognized your…. (Long
pause, she looks at his missing arm and starts to panic inside)…. (Still
pausing)…. I recognized your…. face.
His face? Really? I mean, I know he is handsome
and all, but you could have come up with something better than that.
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